Posted in Musings, Personal, Post a Day

Writing Calms the Qualm

Soufflé.JPGSometimes I want to just be free of responsibilities, duties, obligations, and worries. I want to feel light and airy, I want to be a souffle. I want to rise every day and be free to meditate, simmer and stew in my own thoughts and daydreams. I get my best ideas from my daydreams. Remember that post about my dream Saturday? I want to make that happen.
I feel horrible for wanting to be selfish for just a little while. It seems as if so much depends on my attention and so many people need me for my various abilities, that I sometimes forget to be important to myself. Don’t get me wrong. I love all the extra responsibilities that I have and the volunteering that I do. All of it comes from my heart. What I don’t like is being required or requested to do things that can be handled by someone else. What I don’t like is being asked to do something that someone else was just too lazy to do. What I don’t like is being asked my opinion on something as if it will matter, when said person is just going to continue as is!
I have anxiety. I wish to be calm and I want to willingly let go of things outside of my control. But just like many people who I know, I worry about money and work and my students and my parents and one million other things that invade my mind like parasites. I know that I suffer from it because of the early morning fretting and the constant worry about things that I can’t control. My anxiety does not allow me to be calm unless I am writing or thinking about food. Even when I am writing, I worry about what people will say about me, my thoughts, and those words that escape.  That’s the qualm before the calm. One day, I will tell all of my worries and restraints, “que sera sera” and they will wait outside my Saturday room while I escape, write, and read. Maybe they will get tired of waiting and stalking me. Maybe they will pack up their bags and leave me for a local politician some distance away. Maybe they won’t be waiting for me like they are every morning at 3:30.

Qualm

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Posted in Post a Day

For the Weekend

Here I dream of that languid lifestyle enjoyed by so few. I picture myself sitting in the comfortable Homes and Garden photographed and staged window seat (that I do not own, but have on my wish list) of my home office, lounging in my PJs, reading one of my thirty library books (that are due), drinking tea from a proper tea service (also on my wish list). There is no media, no phone, no computer, no connection to the outside world. For just a few hours, I enjoy life au naturale. The dishes are done. The laundry is done. The shopping is nicely put away and a crockpot is lovingly tending to a roast (which my husband does not eat) for Sunday dinner. It is sunny and cool like the autumn mornings you see in Stars Hollow. And most importantly, my agenda for the day is selfishly centered around me and my think time. Across the room, is a beautiful antique desk and built-ins that are organized by Martha. Because of the therapeutic joy my Happy Planner has bestowed upon me, I have begun scrapbooking. Once I finish reading this chapter, I will turn on Gilmore Girls or some Duke or Coltrane and begin setting my planner for the next couple of weeks. I will write a few blogs, check the roast, and maybe go for a bike ride. I will snack on cheese, crackers, and grapes (sometimes in the form of wine). Most importantly, I will be at peace with the beautiful stillness of time standing still.
My life is full of meetings, appointments, work, and volunteering. I love every minute of it. But, my lifestyle is a languid dream of peace, self-discovery, and comfort.

Lifestyle