My excitement and interest in things is often followed by panic. The overwhelming feeling can blind me if I let it. But I can’t, so I won’t. I plan and over plan and try to order the chaos into a predictable pattern like shining light through a prism and catching a rainbow. Lately, I have had many prisms gathering my chaotic light. But instead of catching my rainbows, I have stood too long admiring their beauty. So now that the light is beginning to fade, I am trying to gather all the colors in their different degrees of vanishing. I want to panic because sometimes dissolving the light settles me. I don’t like the darkness, but it soothes me until I see the light, hang my prisms, and watch the colors fall into place.
Tell me you didn’t start singing Janet Jackson’s “Control” when you saw the word.
Who doesn’t want to be in control?
Janet says “This is a story about control, my control. Control of what I say. Control of what I do. And this time I’m gonna do it my way. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.” I spend a lot of time trying to control unnecessary things. For example, I worry about how people feel and I am always trying to control the atmosphere of conversations and interactions between people. Why? Because I want drama-free conflict resolutions and happy people!
As for me, I want to control so much of my life, but I find that I thrive in chaos. Putting things into order and taking control flows through my veins. I feel accomplished and in control. It isn’t power, or about power. It’s about the ability to assist things into being. Creation. Control.
Never gonna stop
To get what I want
I like to have a lot