Posted in Musings, Personal, Post a Day

Writing Calms the Qualm

Soufflé.JPGSometimes I want to just be free of responsibilities, duties, obligations, and worries. I want to feel light and airy, I want to be a souffle. I want to rise every day and be free to meditate, simmer and stew in my own thoughts and daydreams. I get my best ideas from my daydreams. Remember that post about my dream Saturday? I want to make that happen.
I feel horrible for wanting to be selfish for just a little while. It seems as if so much depends on my attention and so many people need me for my various abilities, that I sometimes forget to be important to myself. Don’t get me wrong. I love all the extra responsibilities that I have and the volunteering that I do. All of it comes from my heart. What I don’t like is being required or requested to do things that can be handled by someone else. What I don’t like is being asked to do something that someone else was just too lazy to do. What I don’t like is being asked my opinion on something as if it will matter, when said person is just going to continue as is!
I have anxiety. I wish to be calm and I want to willingly let go of things outside of my control. But just like many people who I know, I worry about money and work and my students and my parents and one million other things that invade my mind like parasites. I know that I suffer from it because of the early morning fretting and the constant worry about things that I can’t control. My anxiety does not allow me to be calm unless I am writing or thinking about food. Even when I am writing, I worry about what people will say about me, my thoughts, and those words that escape.  That’s the qualm before the calm. One day, I will tell all of my worries and restraints, “que sera sera” and they will wait outside my Saturday room while I escape, write, and read. Maybe they will get tired of waiting and stalking me. Maybe they will pack up their bags and leave me for a local politician some distance away. Maybe they won’t be waiting for me like they are every morning at 3:30.

Qualm

Posted in Post a Day

Panic, Prisms, and Rainbows

My excitement and interest in things is often followed by panic. The overwhelming feeling can blind me if I let it. But I can’t, so I won’t. I plan and over plan and try to order the chaos into a predictable pattern like shining light through a prism and catching a rainbow. Lately, I have had many prisms gathering my chaotic light. But instead of catching my rainbows, I have stood too long admiring their beauty. So now that the light is beginning to fade, I am trying to gather all the colors in their different degrees of vanishing. I want to panic because sometimes dissolving the light settles me. I don’t like the darkness, but it soothes me until I see the light, hang my prisms, and watch the colors fall into place.

Panicked