Holding back

If I am completely honest with myself, I can honestly say that I am a big liar. I lie about my strength, abilities, comforts, security, and stability. I don’t say “No” nearly as much as I should. I am a very complex chameleon that doesn’t like drama, upsetting people, or rippling the pool but does like the dramatics, ruffling feathers, and splashing in the pool.
If people really knew me as I barely know myself, they would be surprised at the following honest statements.
1. There is constantly a soundtrack in my head. I have a song for each moment of the day.
2. I am very insecure with compliments and I HATE that because… I LOVE compliments and I love to give them. Smiling people make me happy.
3. I have trouble focusing. My mind branches like lightning and just as sudden. Even as I write this, I have had 3,656,348,923,456 thoughts and one of them led me to wonder about the taste of clotted cream.
4. I love fleetingly. In very minute repetitive pulsations, I love things. Today, I literally loved the hundreds of little frozen droplets on my car. They were beautiful.
5. I am not the person that I seem to be or want to be… Yet. Fake it until you make it. I so desperately want to be honest with myself. Those moments when I am, I shock myself and immediately revert back to the safe version.

I know I’m not the only one who thinks or feels this way. Why can’t we be honest with ourselves? Better yet, why can’t we be honest?



2 thoughts on “Holding back

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